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Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
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8:25 pm
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Mystery of the Mysterious Lost Syrup Recipe
 I found this recipe in the toilet of a bizarre country pub (that brown smudge on the scan isn't poo, by the way). I never tried to make it until now, three years after I first found it. It's fucking wicked, I recommend everyone tries this. A bit of practice with the syrup to milk ratio and you can recreate a chocolate Big M for only a few cents.
2 level tablespoons of cocoa
1/4 cups of hot water
1 cup of sugar
pinch of salt
1/2 teaspoon of vanilla essence
Blend cocoa with a little hot water, add remainder of water and cook, stirring well until mixture is well blended. Add sugar and salt and bring to boil. Boil for 2 minutes stirring constantly. Remove from stove and add vanilla. Cool and place in tightly lidded jars and store in fridge.
1 or 2 tablespoons to a glass of hot or cold milk.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 7th, 2005
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5:58 pm
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For years I've been going to an annual fireworks show put on by the local primary school. It's nothing special, but it goes bang and it's free. Last year the fireworks company weren't allowed to proceed unless the school had insurance in case of death by glittery explosion. Such insurance isn't cheap and the school quickly realised there wasn't much left in the budget to buy fireworks. The company was unsympathetic and put on the most pissweak boring show that $200 can buy. Usually the show goes for about 20 minutes or more, this year it went for two, and one of those minutes was spent lighting the fuses. After the "show" finished the crowd lingered with anticipation of a "just joking, here's the real show" sort of gag, but realised that wasn't happening as the crew started to pack up. I couldn't believe the irony of a school blowing their fireworks budget on purchasing insurance for a fireworks show that barely happened, I laughed so hard two drops of pee came out.
The crowd was in shocked silence as they shuffled home, suddenly a tiny four year old kid yelled out,
"What a bunch of shit! If I'd paid for that, I'd want my money back!"
The crowd erupted in laughter and a good night was had by all regardless.
Pure class.
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
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7:35 pm
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12:12 pm
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Went to see War of the Worlds with Tom Poos last night. It was better than I expected, I'd give it 6 out of 10. Best bit of the movie was near the start when Omar (my friend) and I discovered his demonic cheating ex girlfriend sitting a few rows in front of us. Omar fired a Jaffa at her head and it ricocheted into the collar and then down the shirt of her new boyfriend sitting beside. You could try that shot a million times and never repeat it!
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
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11:14 am
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Red Dwarf
I've been watching Red Dwarf since the late 80's and thanks to the release of each series on DVD I've been getting back into it. One of the best episodes is Backwards from series three. Here's a quick synopsis:
While out giving Kryten a driving test aboard the Red Dwarf's shuttle Starbug, Rimmer and the mechanoid disappear down a time-hole ["an orange swirly thing in space"] and arrive in a 1993 London where time is running backwards. Finding success as The Fabulous Reverse Brothers, a tawdry variety act, Rimmer and Kryten are initially miffed when Lister and The Cat eventually catch up with them, offering to take them back to the Dwarf. A spectacular brawl results in the Reverse Brothers getting the sack and reluctantly returning to their own time.
The main theme is everyone in the reverse world, except for the crew, doing everything, well, in reverse. They talk in reverse, walk in reverse, eat and drink in reverse, everything. To these people it's normal and they think that the crew, who do things normally, are actually doing them in reverse which is why The Fabulous Reverse Brothers' act is such a success. It's complicated. I decided to rip the audio track and, errr, reverse all the reversed parts so I could hear them normally. Most of the lines are what you'd expect the actors to be saying, but there are a few hidden gems.
Towards the end Kryten and Lister, AKA The Fabulous Reverse Brothers, get the sack for allegedly starting a bar room brawl, a reverse brawl mind you, so in the reverse world it's a 'bar room tidy'. There's a scene where the pub manager bursts into their dressing room and berates the pair for starting the 'tidy', listen to the audio -
Here's the scene normally: red_dwarf_forwards.wmv (400k)
Here's the scene reversed: red_dwarf_reversed.wmv (400k)
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| Tuesday, June 28th, 2005
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8:26 am
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In the United States, Amended Section 2257 Recordkeeping Regulations went into effect on June 23rd. This federal law requires website owners to keep records proving that "every performer portrayed in a visual depiction of actual sexually explicit conduct" is over the age of 18. Non-compliance earns you up to five years in jail.
I see a potential litigation nightmare over the topic of bestiality.
When, say, a dog is "portrayed in a visual depiction of actual sexually explicit conduct" with a human, does said dog need to be older than 18 also? And are we talking older than 18 human years or dog years?
What about a horse? Does anyone know how many human years equate to one horse year?
You can see the quandary.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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6:01 am
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In other news I flew back into Melbourne today and found out that one of my all time favourite characters passed away at the tender age of 7,000.
R.I.P CrazyOldLadyTM
Artists impression
If you're an oldschool reader of my journal you'll surely remember CrazyOldLadyTM. For those who don't, I first met her early one morning many years ago when I was walking the dog. She was standing in her driveway at 6am, in the middle of winter, wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I said good morning since I was in a chirpy mood and she accused me of stealing her newspaper, I tried in vein to defend myself but quickly realised that she was mental and fled. I met her again several times later in short succession, each time I was deliberately sickeningly polite to her as I had noticed a trend: the more polite I was the greater a crime she would accuse me of, I would then run home and write about it here. This scenario repeated for several weeks and over that time she accused me of everything from stealing her paper to murdering her husband who (I found out later) had died of natural causes three years before I was even born. Her accusations weren't just idle either, on more than one occasion she phoned the police. At that time I was working from home as a shady consultant type, I had a client in my office one day when the police arrived asking if it was true that I'd stolen her letterbox and replaced it with one exactly the same. Embarrassed, I had to explain the entire situation to the police and my client who all agreed the lady and situation was "fucking brilliant." The police left laughing and my client insisted on meeting her so we walked around to her house in the next street. Sure enough she was there, planting dead sticks in her flower bed. Upon seeing me she erupted into a rage, ripped up all the sticks she'd so carefully planted, threw them all at my client and I while insisting we were from the government and she wasn't "loosing [her] house without a fight!"
That's just one of many, many things she said and did, she even tried to sue me once and I lost count of the times both her solicitor and the police contacted me. Towards the end, all authorities concerned realised that her age had gotten the better of her and she voluntarily moved into a nursing home with a bit of family persuasion. That was the last I saw or heard of her until today.
Although her accusations could be slightly annoying and inconvenient at times, I absolutely loved the experience. I am genuinely saddened to hear she died and I bet in her mind it's all my fault.
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(comment on this)
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5:13 am
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Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
This movie is crap. So crap that, rather than actually watch it, I spent twice as long pausing and stepping it forward slowly each time there was a view from within the Terminator so I could read the text the Terminator was supposedly seeing. Yes, I know, that's sad.
Towards the end there's a part where Kristanna Loken, AKA The Bad Terminator, takes over our favourite ArnieBot because Bad Terminators can now control machines. Kristanna sends ArnieBot on a mission to kill John Connor, the very person he was meant to protect. Oh the plot twist! ArnieBot fights this takeover of course and saves the day (and John) by turning himself off. Cue some boring heroic John Connor rubbish and then cue a view from inside ArnieBot's head as he restarts himself. This is the best bit of the movie because there's lots of juicy Terminator text to read (shut up) as he does a systems check and lists all his various Terminator functions. Here's a general screen shot of that sequence:
Imagine my surprise when I saw that ArnieBot is loaded with a copy of Quicktime Player! Well actually we can't quite clearly see so I'll zoom in, because my DVD player is bad ass and can do that.
This is from an Indonesian bootleg so the quality isn't what it should be, so lets zoom in further because we can.
There you have it, now we know that Terminators can play streaming porno and all manner of video. Scroll down a bit more and it's clear they can play audio as well, here we have a shoutout to mp3.com:
Marvellous!
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